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My dear friends… 

I am in Provincetown, Massachusetts – which has been a place of refuge for me for as long as I can remember. My safe place – emotionally – if not physically. A place I have always used to – gather myself – for what lies ahead… a place to find protection and strength and community when storm clouds gather.

The storm clouds have gathered… 

And now the storm is here… 

A plague. 

Another plague.

Many of us have been here before… a situation both surreal in its scope – but painfully, achingly, familiar at the same time. 

A virus that doesn’t care what country you come from, or your political affiliation… your economic status, your gender identity or sexual orientation – or the story you have about yourself. A virus that doesn’t care about any of the things we use to define ourselves – or distance ourselves – or elevate ourselves in relation to other people. 

A virus, this virus, simply needs our “humanness” – our “humanity” – to survive.

And – ironically – so do we… 

Now, again, more than ever…

And we will find it – our humanity. We will find it and we will share it – and we will claim it – as we have done through every storm we have ever faced.

Holocausts and cataclysms… treasons and betrayals… famines and droughts…

And wars…

And plagues.

Plagues.

You have been here before.

And you are still here. 

We are still here.

Remember that.

I share this to illuminate the task ahead – and to (re)mind you – and myself really – to remember our humanity – and the humanity of your neighbors. 

And, we find – as we always do in times like these – it turns out that everyone is your neighbor. 

Every.  
Single. 
Person. 

Is your neighbor.

Stay vigilant.  
Stay connected – even when the impulse is to withdraw. 

Because we need you. 

Even if you don’t think we do. 

We need you. 

Specifically you. 

We need you for the courage you’ve shown to get this far. 

We need you for the strength and resolve you found in the past – to overcome all the fear and heartbreak – the adversity and trauma – and wars – and disease – and yes – plagues.

We need that.

Find it again. 

Within yourself. With me. With us.

Find it. 

You are not alone. 

Remain tender towards yourself and other people. 

Reach out if you need to.

I will be in touch. I hope you will be in touch, with me, with each other – and profoundly – and gently – with yourself – as well.

How long, I wonder, will we stay in exile to ourselves? 

To who we yearn to be? 

To who we truly are – at core – all of us? 

To a person, in my work and in my life, every race, every culture, every gender expression – gay, straight and undeclared – the wealthy – the materially poor – those with power – those with seemingly none – everyone I have encountered – we all thirst for the same things..to love and to be loved, to be included – to be seen – unadorned – unmasked – broken – with all our mistakes revealed – and treasured anyway. And to treasure others – and give them the gift of knowing they are treasured. 

Every single person in my life, personally and professionally, has expressed this same desire – no matter how clumsy, or grasping or needy – or wrongheaded or self-sabotaging they may be (or you might think they are – or they might think you are). 

This does not mean we know how to get the things we collectively yearn for so desperately – and having this awareness does not exempt us from being accountable for our own bad behavior. 

But – it does give us – common ground. 

In a fractured world, it gives us a place to start. 

Everyone wants the same thing. 

It moves me profoundly – and gives me hope. 

And I can rest here a moment. While the battle rages on – within and without.

Not hating you, or “them” or myself.

Just for a moment. 

I can rest here… before I take my next step – and I can know that we both want – we all want – for ourselves – the same things.

And if we acknowledge this hunger, this drive to meaning for ourselves – and our individual lives – how can we deny its fulfillment for another? Look around – really look – at the people in your world – and THE world – all waiting – in their mistakes -and in their shame – in their anger and in their grievances waiting – for connection… all waiting to be seen. 

How lucky I am to be able to see this side of humanity in my work and in my life. I wish everyone could get to experience what I do.

And thank you Jack Kornfield for reminding me to ask daily – “Am I Loving Well” (and with a smile I can say – not always – but sometimes – and hopefully more and more).

I have been talking with friends and clients often lately about impermanence… and the nature of change… 

The changes that we choose
Changes initiated on our own terms
Filled with possibility and power

And the changes that choose us
Tinged with fear and regret and anger

Unbidden change… 
Unwelcome change…
Unexpected change…

The losses and leave-takings…

On what can we rely in a world of shifting landscapes?

What remains in the face of change?

And in what constancies can we cloak ourselves in uncertain times?

We humans are a courageous bunch really… hungry for hope… and a yearning to believe that wrongs will be righted… balance will be restored… that farewells are not goodbyes… and, regardless of situation or circumstance, we will be okay.

What remains in the face of change? 

You.  
Your tribe. 
Us. Together – in hearts and minds and memory – if not location. And a will to keep moving forward towards the future. 

My favorite poem by Stanley Kunitz always comes to mind when I am talking with people about life and change and – fear – and resilience. I’m including it below. “Live in the layers” indeed.

The Layers
BY STANLEY KUNITZ

I have walked through many lives, 
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.

When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.

Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!

How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?

In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.

Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.

In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:

“Live in the layers,
not on the litter.”

Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.

I am not done with my changes.

I use these dark days – where the shadow of our best human impulses has now been made manifest – as a mirror – to drag my own darkness out into the light. If the last two years have taught me anything – it’s to be more active in my humanity… to actively push back against fear, cruelty, racism, misogyny, homophobia and xenophobia. To mindfully, in my daily life, pursue opportunities to do it better.

It’s not enough to be angry “at them”… It’s about seeing what makes you angry “about them” – and doing what you can to eradicate it from yourself, from your community, from the country and from the world.

I always enjoy telling stories where my own flawed humanity is dragged out into the light. 

I hope you do as well. 

I’m having one of those moments right now. 

A delectable moment of irony. 

A moment when a mirror is held up to you – and while you thought you had your “Ohm Shanti” house in order – that you (with a whiff of smug superiority) – “get it” – it turns out – you have a steep learning curve to climb. 

I am on the Amtrak Acela going from Boston to NYC for a whirlwind few days of work. I sat down and put on my Air buds to listen to a lecture I have been wanting to hear for the longest time – but because “I’m so busy in my busy life” I haven’t been able to. I put on my sunglasses – and a deliberately “neutral” face – not “mean” but not “friendly” – all international symbols for “please don’t sit with me – but if you do sit with me – if you MUST sit with me…don’t engage. Slide into your seat and let’s pretend neither one of us exists.” 

I settle in and start my lecture. 

I am content. 

And then, on this sold out train, at the very first stop, a man with all the disheveled earmarks of homelessness starts to sit down next to me – with his possessions in two garbage bags. Literally. He is rifling through two giant, black construction garbage bags looking for his ticket. He’s chaotic and noisy and twitchy and muttering as he settles down. 

And then it hits me. 

That smell…. that smell you’ve smelled on the subway in a non-air conditioned car in August, or the phantom whiff you get walking down the streets of New York or in rest rooms in Central Park. All the smells that rise up in the bodies of people who can’t attend to themselves – and no one else is attending to them either. 

He – reeks – and – it’s aggressive. He smells – like someone who hasn’t had access to showers – or toilets -for a very long time. I start to panic. My head starts spinning. I discreetly try to move seats. I am looking around desperately.

Too late. None available. 

I talked to a conductor. Nothing they can do.

An unbelievably angry monologue starts running through my brain. I’m wondering how in the world I will get through the 4 1/2 hour trip ahead. 

I’m angry at Amtrak. 

I’m angry at the man. 

I’m angry at myself for not leaving earlier. 

I’m angry at the plastic bag that appears to be leaking something near my shoe.

I Am Angry. 

My senses are overwhelmed… The lecture continues to play on my ear buds – but I am so freaked out I am barely aware of it. I stopped paying attention to it as soon as it started.

Until – God steps in – and makes me aware – actually aware – that the lecture I have been listening to, or that I was supposed to be listening to, the lecture I have been yearning to play for the longest time in my “very busy life” – the lecture I was so desperate to get to – is a lecture on “Loving Kindness” by Buddhist psychologist Jack Kornfield. 

Yes “Loving Kindness”… has been trying to enter brain space that is currently being occupied by my temper tantrum. 

Cognitive dissonance in bold face. 

I am acutely aware now of the disconnect between what I said I needed to hear – the lecture on Loving Kindness – and what it actually means when you apply it to the real life sitting next to you.

The man motions for me to take off my ear buds. 

And he apologizes to me…

He apologizes to me because he said knows he smells. I could see the shame on his face. He wouldn’t look at me but he was softly and haltingly telling me that he lives on the streets and can’t wash. That he hasn’t been well – and that his daughter got him a ticket to go to her in Washington. And that’s where he’s heading now. 

And my heart breaks. 

I told him it was okay…. sometimes, I said, we all smell. 

What I wanted to say, was in that moment, nobody, it turned out, smelled worse than me.

Nothing makes me happier than being clobbered over the head with irony. 

“Loving Kindness” indeed. 

Life is – delicious – in how it reminds us – if we are paying attention – that people are fragile and complicated – and – oh my – I have a long way to go in my evolution.  A long way to go…

But I am here for it.

…Time to restart the lecture.

JOSEPH BOLDUC, LMHC, NCC
Speak To Understand
Psychotherapy • Coaching • Consulting

James P. O’Neill, Commissioner
New York City Police Department
1 Police Plaza Path
New York, NY 10007

Dear Commissioner O’Neill:

Thank you in advance for your time.  I wrote to you three years ago after a series of police shootings of unarmed black men. Today I write in the wake of the video of the police officers in Phoenix using excessive force on a pregnant woman with a baby.  It made me – ill, as it should any American with a conscience.  Your prior response three years ago did not address the training issues I inquired about.  My hope is that with three more years of violence and trauma, in the spirit of healing a national wound, you might have another look.

Before I begin, I want to assure you that this letter is not a blanket condemnation of law enforcement. It is – truly – an inquiry – written in response to what is clearly a national problem of bias and training within police departments across the country. My hope of course, is that the questions raised in this letter might spur greater conversations and ideas on how to address bias, training, support – and accountability – between law enforcement and the citizens it has pledged to protect and serve.

In the wake of the recent rash of police shootings of black men, the disproportionate number of black men killed by altercations with law enforcement, and the most recent “excessive force” video coming out of Phoenix involving a black woman with a baby, I have come to realize how very little I know about one of the most important aspects of American life – how our police are trained to do what they do in maintaining the safety and welfare of its citizens.

As a New Yorker, I am so grateful, consciously grateful, for the work we ask our police officers to do on a daily basis. When I think about the enormity of the task we have entrusted to our law enforcement officials – I am overwhelmed. I can only imagine how they feel.

And given the enormity of that task, I am a bit ashamed that I have been a “lazy citizen” – content to assume that someone – someone else – is making sure that things run the way they are supposed to, that constant monitoring is done – and corrections made – to insure that our officers, and potential officers, are getting the proper levels of screening, training, support and evaluation.

It is only now, when the role of bias is being discussed as a factor in so many lethal interactions with police departments across the country, that I thought to ask the questions that every citizen should be asking.

How do we train and screen our police officers? What processes do we have in place to detect biases of all kinds during recruitment and training – and post-training?

As a psychotherapist, trained at NYU, we were required to become familiar with several bias testing tools, the implicit association test being one of them (https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/selectatest.html). This test can reveal potential bias in a variety of areas – gender, age, skin-tone, gay-straight and black-white bias (to name just a few). But there are many other testing instruments as well – each with their individual strengths and weaknesses (true of all psychological testing).  While the implicit bias test has it detractors, at the very least it gives us a place to start evaluations and, more importantly, communication and conversation.

Do we, in New York City, employ testing of this type to our cadets? Or follow-up with required periodic testing with our officers? What kind of follow-up is done with officers who do exhibit significant bias? What kind of multi-cultural training is offered? What kind of multi-cultural training is required?

Again, as a psychotherapist, part of our training, in order to practice ethically, involved uncovering our own areas of bias and learning how to untangle a very complicated – but very present – and often unconscious – part of our humanity.

We must not be afraid to have conversations about individual and collective prejudices – particularly in professions where individual bias can have life or death consequences. It is only through engagement, identification and discussion that we can learn to, at the very least, understand where our prejudices lie – and what to do about them in the context of our jobs.

Have we created an environment where cadets and officers feel safe discussing and evaluating their biases?

And have we created, within both administration and the rank-and-file, accountability for insuring that training is conducted, support is offered, rules are enforced and violations have consequences?

In the field, in the event of a potentially dangerous situation with a suspected criminal, what kind of “engagement” training is done to avoid lethal interactions?

Our officers put their lives at risk every day. I would imagine that every situation is fraught with the possibility of violence. How do we train our officers to deal with fear? With adrenaline? What do we teach them about firing weapons (if it comes to that), so that we inflict the least amount of physical harm while de-escalating a volatile situation?

And finally, what kind of psychological monitoring and support systems are offered (and required) for our officers? Given the ugliness of the situations they face on a daily basis, I would imagine they are coping (or, sadly, not coping) with high levels of stress – and sadness – and anger. What are we doing for our officers so that when they go back out on the street – they are functioning optimally?

How are we helping them process the enormous responsibilities we have given them?

Are there national standards and training to which New York City, or other cities, are held? If not, why not? Would that be helpful to New York? Might it be helpful to local law enforcement across the country to have national oversight?

New York City may be completely engaged in this process. Our police force may be at the forefront of areas of screening and support. I admit – sadly – that I simply have no idea.

But I would like to.

Is there a website that you can direct me to that explains to the general public how our officer training works?

Again, I write this knowing that the vast majority of our police officers are heroes. Good people, putting their lives at risk every day, in order to keep us safe. How do we support our finest officers in making sure that they have all the training they need to raise to their full potential? And, conversely, as is true in any helping profession, there are those whose personal demons, or damage, or biases work against the mission of that profession. How do we find and attend to those people -and keep them from inflicting harm?

What more can we do (law enforcement and civilians) to help and heal the relationship between law enforcement and the citizens it has vowed to protect – and make sure that that protection extends to all citizens, equally.

As I reflect on all the recent killings – the lives lost – and the lives shattered – we would be less than the democracy we strive to be, less than who we might be – and should be and can be – if we did not each demand from each other that we do it better… if we do not look inside our hearts, as the death tolls mount, and ask not only, “Did they need to die?” but also “What am I doing to prevent it?”

“What am I, as a citizen, as a human being, doing to prevent more death?”

Thank you again for your time. I look forward to hearing from you with specific answers to my questions.

Best

/s/ Joseph Bolduc

Joe Bolduc, LMHC, NCC
CEO
Speak to Understand
joebolducglobal@gmail.com
www.speaktounderstand.com

And so it’s here… this thing you feared…
this thing you had hoped would never come…
this darkness…
this visitation.

this diagnosis
this career issue
this change
this end of the relationship

this death
this separation
this humiliation
this loneliness.

this thing you said you couldn’t handle
this thing you thought might break you.

this situation you hoped to never face.

Has come.

Seated at your table.

Looking you in the eye.

And.

You are still here.

You are still breathing.

You are still YOU.

You are still you, unadorned.

You are still you, stripped of what you thought you needed.
You are still you, stripped of your view of yourself
You are still you, stripped of what you thought you deserved
You are still you, stripped of your plan

You are still you, perhaps even more so.

You are the essential you.

The quiet you.

The you that exists beyond who THEY say you are.

The you that exists beyond who YOU say you are.

The you that exists beyond the label.

You are the you that sits with the Universe.

You are the you that sits with Nature.
Sits with Allah
Sits with Krishna
Sits with Buddha
Sits with Christ

You are the you that sits with God.

Now.

Finally.

You are the blank slate you.

The authentic you.

The listening you.

The courageous you.

The faith-filled you.

The you that is ready… for the next step.

What a wonderful opportunity we are given at this time of year – Easter and Passover – to reflect on the lessons of each… the illusion of death – and a consideration of bondage… of prisons… both external – and those of our own creation.  

I have been thinking quite a bit about “resurrection”… in all its forms. All of the ways we rise up from what appears to be certain death… The ways in which we survive the crucifixions visited upon us…  

I am thinking today of how we transcend the myriad “little deaths” that threaten to crush our hearts and break our spirits.  The pain of heartbreak… of hopelessness… of illnesses physical and mental… the crushing weight of despair.  

Easter reminds us that what appears to be “the death of us” – is often an illusion – whether it’s the death of a relationship, the death of our view of ourselves – or, given the times, what appears to be the death of democratic ideals.  Crucifixion in all its forms need not be final… but simply a stop along the way to Resurrection… a gateway to rebirth and transcendence. 

Doing what I do, I have a unique vantage point to hear people’s journeys… to not only bear witness to their pain… but to also rejoice in the ways in which people survive.  

And people do survive. And give birth to themselves all over again.

You survived.

Whatever your crucifixion was – or is – or appears to be…  whether it is a broken heart – or a broken spirit – you are still here.  

Right now.

With me.  

With us.  

We are all here – having survived – what seemed – at the time – the certainty of a kind of death.

Resurrection is yours to claim.  

It is your birthright. 

Choose it.

I think also today of the power of Passover – and the contemplation of bondage and freedom… Bondage in all its forms… physical, yes… but also the bondage of spirit… in prisons of hatred, of shame, of self-loathing.  In prisons of bigotry and cruelty. The bondage of closing your heart – to “the other” – and to yourself.

In what prisons are you holding people captive?

In what prisons do you hold yourself?

Passover reminds us that freedom, true – and lasting freedom – comes from within.  You are carrying the key to your cell.

As Viktor Frankl said: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Resurrection.  

And Freedom.

Are yours.

Happy Easter. Chag Pesach sameach. 

I was contemplating “grievances” recently – with my clients and for myself – those treasons and betrayals that break our hearts and wound our spirits… and I came across this Longfellow quote in a Jack Kornfield piece:

“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”

And I thought a bit about the treasons and betrayals I have committed – and the treasons and betrayals committed by others… and found, at their core, a well of profound fear or anger or loneliness.